I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
