doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
