I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
