I think im going to throw up on grandma
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
