My room smells like vodka and shame
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
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