Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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