I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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