What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
