i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
