Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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