Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
