I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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