I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
