all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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