Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
