My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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