I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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