You smell like stripper and shame
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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