Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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