Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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