Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
