I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
