I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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