I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
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