I faked an abortion last night.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize