how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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