woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
