I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
