Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Pants are for mortals
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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