Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Randomize
