I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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