I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
