Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
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