i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
