I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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