god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
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