are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
