So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize