I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize