help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I want to fling myself into the sun
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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