11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
