Jerry, you need to find god
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Randomize
