tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Randomize