I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
