Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
