so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
