i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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