Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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