can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
