I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
should my penis look like a turkey
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
