i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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