We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
