I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
the liver wants what the liver wants
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
