I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize