an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
