the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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